Baby Blues

It has been over a year since I experienced the baby blues after the birth of my Mad Man.  Of course, I had heard about postpartum depression, but I was of the impression that it would never affect me because I love having babies and being a mommy.  I was wrong.

Right after I had Mad Man I felt pretty great.  I did get stressed when my T Bear came to visit at the hospital, but part of that had to do with the fact that I could tell she was not adjusting very well.  Also, there was drama over who was going to stay with me: Hubby or my sister?  Where should T sleep: our house or the grandparents?   It was a lot to be trying to deal with from a hospital bed with morphine still coursing through my veins, plus I thought I had arranged all of this before the c-section.  There was also an instance when T started to have a little fit and accidentally elbowed me in the stomach.  Ouch, does not even begin to cover it.  When it was peaceful at the hospital I felt great.  I was recovering so much faster than my first c-section and nursing was going very well.  My milk came in fairly quickly and Mad Man was a sweet, content, little man.

On the day we were set to go home the pediatrician was concerned because Mad Man hadn't gained back his birth weight.  So, they scheduled us for a follow-up appointment the next day.  I had flashbacks to dealing with T Bear's size, but I was confident because he was nursing so well and so often.  The next day he still hadn't gained it back.  So, another follow-up was scheduled, this time with our actual pediatrician.  When we saw her, she was concerned about his weight and instructed me to feed him every one and a half to two hours and basically nurse on demand (which is what I was already doing).  She also made a comment that some women just don't produce good milk and referred to it as "skim" milk.  Really?  Well, this comment stayed with me and not in a good way.  It made my heart sink because it made me feel like it was solely my fault that he was not gaining enough weight.  After all, I was solely responsible for his nutrition.  I was adamant that I didn't want to go the formula route.  And so the baby blues began.

It really just hit me and I couldn't control my emotions.  I would cry over nothing and literally could not control it.  I just felt sad or emotional and felt almost overwhelming emotion.  I am lucky in that I did not want to harm myself or my baby (which I have heard can go along with postpartum).  I remember just bursting into tears at random times.  Normally I am not someone who cries easily, but it didn't take much to bring on the water works.  We had a newborn photo shoot at my mother-in-law's house about two weeks after I had my Mad Man.  I woke up feeling not quite right, but I pulled it together for the shoot.  When it was over, my MIL complemented me and I burst into tears.  Another day, Hubby dropped the kiddos and I off at my parents house, while he went off to do something, and I lost it as soon as I walked through the door.  I don't think T had ever seen me cry prior to this and I recall her asking me why I was crying.  Poor thing; it had to be overwhelming for her too.

Some of the crazy thoughts I had revolved around having another baby.  I mean what rational person is worried about another pregnancy after just giving birth??  I still don't know if we are going to have more children (I want to have at least one more and Hubby feels set with two), but my thoughts were consumed with the fact that I may never be pregnant again.  I was also sad that I wouldn't see my OB/GYN anymore.  I missed the nurses and I didn't feel like I had done enough to thank them.  These thoughts weighed heavy on my mind and definitely felt like too much.

I was also angry that I was feeling this way when I just wanted to be enjoying my new motherhood once again.  I felt like these precious moments were being robbed from me.  I certainly didn't feel comfortable talking about my emotions.  Those who knew what was going on were very supportive, but I definitely didn't open up much.  Hubby tried to understand and be supportive.  He also talked to as many people as he could that he thought would have some insight.  Most said it had to run its course.

Within a few weeks it subsided, thank God.

High:  The blues only lasted a few weeks.
Low:  Having to endure emotions that I could not control or even understand when I just wanted to enjoy my new baby.