My Naughty Ballerina: The Saga Continues

Well, the last five weeks have been a roller-coaster in terms of T Bear's dance class.  We are down to the wire.  The most heartbreaking aspect of this whole situation is that I can tell she wants to go in to class and she desperately wants to be on stage, but her emotions are holding her back.

Five weeks ago she had me take her to the bathroom just before class was about to start.  I was hopeful seeing as how the bathroom is located inside the studio.  Then when she finished I couldn't get out the door. She was crying and holding onto me.  I ended up having her sit on my lap in the waiting room for the entire class.  She could hear class going on and a few times I really thought she was going to go in, but she didn't. Then she heard the song for the recital come on and she was desperate to go in.  I wouldn't let her because it was the end of class.  There was only like five minutes left.  So, she cried a little about that too.

So, we tried again the following week.  She insisted on having Mima come and said she would go right in. She didn't.  She started her fit.  The waiting room was super crowded.  We tried to coax her in, I gave her a few warnings, but she wouldn't budge.  We left and I told Miss S that I thought we were done.  Mima was not pleased with little Miss T.  We decided to go home and not do anything "fun".  When we got home I explained to T that I was going to pack up her leotards and tutus, which she desperately didn't want.  I was certainly at a loss.  We talked a little bit more about it and then I decided to put the ball in her court.  I told her that she could have one more chance and that if she wanted to go she would have to tell me, but if she didn't go in then it was over: no costume, no leotards, no tutus, and no recital.  After that conversation we didn't talk much about it.  During the week she did mention going to class a few times.  My sister mentioned trying to go to the studio when Miss S had down time and just hanging out for a little bit.  Miss S was game, so on Thursday we went in and T and Miss S had a little mock class.  Then Miss S played the recital song (How to Believe sung by Bridgit Mendler) and T danced around.  She had a blast.  She did get very anxious when the little girls started to enter the studio for their class so really I didn't have high hopes for her upcoming class.

The next day she had an offer to go to Hubby's softball game an hour away with her good friend and her father.  She was so excited, but when it cam time to leave she couldn't do it.  She was screaming and pulling on my shirt; so, she ended up staying home and was very disappointed and wished she had gone.  Then something dawned on me.  I recalled a book we had that we had not read in some time: The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn.  The premise is that a little raccoon is nervous about starting school, so his mom kisses his hand and tells him her love will stay with him even when he is at school.  So, I read it with T on Friday night and she loved it.  She was completely captivated by the story and I even ended it with kissing her hand and putting a sticker on her hand so she would remember my kiss.  She loved it.  She woke up the next morning (as she usually does on Saturdays) saying she would go right in to dance.  We picked up Mima and were running late.  By the time we got to the studio all of the girls were already in and the door was closed.  We got her ready.  She was reticent, but we managed to get her through the door.  She wouldn't join the circle of girls, but did sit on the floor by the door.  She tried to chat with me, but I told her that she had to do what the class was doing and that I would watch for a minute.  She showed me her kissing hand sticker and I was able to leave with no tears!  She joined the class as soon as they stood up and she made it through the class without crying!  Holy Mother...hallelujah!  I was beyond proud of her.  I rewarded her with the Sofia the First doll she had been coveting and we had a great day!  (As a side note she has slept with this doll every night since and pretty much brings her everywhere - she is quite proud of herself!)  She tells everyone she got her for going in to dance like a big girl.  Since then she has done the exact same thing (sitting by the door then joining class) for the past two weeks!  Triumph!  Now we have made it through the year.  One last obstacle: the recital.  It is this coming weekend and we will see how it goes!  Wish us luck!  

High:  Seeing T overcome her fear and make it through several classes without crying or having a fit!

Low:  The Saturday that I was ready to throw the towel in. 

Walt Disney World Vacay 2013: Day 1

It is no secret that Walt Disney World is my favorite place in the world.  I have loved it since I first visited in my teens and have returned about fifteen times.  A few weeks ago we went as a family plus Hubby's high school varsity softball team.  That's right the four of us, plus thirteen teenage girls, three parents, and Hubby's right hand man in all things softball.  You may be asking yourself if I am crazy and the answer is a resounding yes!!  My sister and her boyfriend met us there to partake in the excitement and obviously to help me out with my two little ones since Hubby was quite preoccupied.  My final take on the trip: we survived!  I am going to create a series of posts detailing our experiences, as we all know I can be a bit verbose!!

Day 1: We met at the school bus garage at 1:00 am, that's right AM.  Waking two little ones to get on a bus is insane in itself, but it gets better.  We had to travel by school bus, four and a half hours to the airport. Apparently the travel agent got us a "great" deal on tickets from this airport (I am not convinced).  The kiddos were pretty good.  They fell back asleep pretty easily.  The problem was that the bus driver had to keep stopping - to stretch his legs or smoke or whatever - so the kiddos kept waking up.  Mad Man was screaming at one point, so I removed him from his car seat and nursed him back to sleep.  At another point T was melting down, so I took her out and cuddled her for a while.  We finally made it to the airport with not as much time to spare as we had imagined, got the kiddos dressed, got breakfast and got on the plane.  Then we were delayed for an hour on the runway.  Good times with a toddler who wants to run around!  T played with her Leap Pad the whole time and ate breakfast!  The flight was turbulent, but went well.  Mad Man slept almost the whole flight (unheard of for this little guy!).  T was great and really loved the flight!  Once we landed it was a mad dash to get the whole group to the Magical Express.  For some reason we go the wrong way every time we go!  We did manage to locate it...after a short jaunt around the terminal.  Once on the bus Mad Man was antsy until the video came on.  He was beyond excited each time he saw a character on the screen.  He would scream with exuberance and point at the screen.  It was hilarious!  T fed off of his excitement and created her own.  Then we had the ridiculously long wait outside the lobby while Hubby checked in the entire group.  Now, God bless him, he has many talents, but traveling is not one of them.  He is not a comfortable traveler, add the responsibility of thirteen teenagers to the mix and you have one very anxious, on edge man.  While he checked in I chased the kiddos around the benches in front of the building. Mad Man was trying to eat the wood chips and run into the road. T Bear was playing in the bushes. By the time check-in was complete the kiddos were done and frankly so was I.  Luckily our room was ready so we made our way there and dropped off the numerous carry-ons I was lugging around.  I wanted to take the kiddos to get some lunch, but Hubby wanted to wait for all of the girls.  So, I grabbed the hotel key and took off toward the restaurant with the kiddos in the double stroller.  I miraculously found some things for the kiddos to eat and made my way to the check out.  This is when the steam literally came out of my ears as I tried to use my room key to charge the meal to, only to find out the key was not set up to make charges.  Seriously?!  I have no idea why, since we have done that every other time, I guess Hubby decided to change the rules.  So, I put back the food and stormed off to find Hubby.  Luckily (for him) he was just entering the restaurant and we were able to remedy the situation, since he actually had his wallet with him.  We sure make some team!

After lunch, which was not enjoyable as T Bear was melting down, we headed back to the room to relax. Mad Man was not interested in napping and T only wanted to go swimming.  So, Hubby went off with the softball girls and I managed to get the kiddos in their bathing suits.  At this point my dad showed up for a few minutes (he had been in Orlando on business and was flying home that evening).  We all headed to the pool and then he had to leave.  Too short for my liking.  The kiddos and I swam for a while, when all of a sudden T said, "I have to go poop".  Ugh.  Of course.  I hurried her out of the pool and told her to hold it.  I had flashbacks of our previous times in the pool when she didn't quite hold it.  Gross.  I plopped them in the stroller and raced toward the room.  Now, you may be thinking isn't here a bathroom a the pool?  Why yes there is, however in my haste I didn't even think about it and took off for our room.  We made it in time. Then we relaxed the rest of the day.  Certainly a full day.

High:  Experiencing the building excitement with the kiddos as we approached the hotel.
Low:  All the waiting - on the bus, on the plane, during check-in.

Baby Blues

It has been over a year since I experienced the baby blues after the birth of my Mad Man.  Of course, I had heard about postpartum depression, but I was of the impression that it would never affect me because I love having babies and being a mommy.  I was wrong.

Right after I had Mad Man I felt pretty great.  I did get stressed when my T Bear came to visit at the hospital, but part of that had to do with the fact that I could tell she was not adjusting very well.  Also, there was drama over who was going to stay with me: Hubby or my sister?  Where should T sleep: our house or the grandparents?   It was a lot to be trying to deal with from a hospital bed with morphine still coursing through my veins, plus I thought I had arranged all of this before the c-section.  There was also an instance when T started to have a little fit and accidentally elbowed me in the stomach.  Ouch, does not even begin to cover it.  When it was peaceful at the hospital I felt great.  I was recovering so much faster than my first c-section and nursing was going very well.  My milk came in fairly quickly and Mad Man was a sweet, content, little man.

On the day we were set to go home the pediatrician was concerned because Mad Man hadn't gained back his birth weight.  So, they scheduled us for a follow-up appointment the next day.  I had flashbacks to dealing with T Bear's size, but I was confident because he was nursing so well and so often.  The next day he still hadn't gained it back.  So, another follow-up was scheduled, this time with our actual pediatrician.  When we saw her, she was concerned about his weight and instructed me to feed him every one and a half to two hours and basically nurse on demand (which is what I was already doing).  She also made a comment that some women just don't produce good milk and referred to it as "skim" milk.  Really?  Well, this comment stayed with me and not in a good way.  It made my heart sink because it made me feel like it was solely my fault that he was not gaining enough weight.  After all, I was solely responsible for his nutrition.  I was adamant that I didn't want to go the formula route.  And so the baby blues began.

It really just hit me and I couldn't control my emotions.  I would cry over nothing and literally could not control it.  I just felt sad or emotional and felt almost overwhelming emotion.  I am lucky in that I did not want to harm myself or my baby (which I have heard can go along with postpartum).  I remember just bursting into tears at random times.  Normally I am not someone who cries easily, but it didn't take much to bring on the water works.  We had a newborn photo shoot at my mother-in-law's house about two weeks after I had my Mad Man.  I woke up feeling not quite right, but I pulled it together for the shoot.  When it was over, my MIL complemented me and I burst into tears.  Another day, Hubby dropped the kiddos and I off at my parents house, while he went off to do something, and I lost it as soon as I walked through the door.  I don't think T had ever seen me cry prior to this and I recall her asking me why I was crying.  Poor thing; it had to be overwhelming for her too.

Some of the crazy thoughts I had revolved around having another baby.  I mean what rational person is worried about another pregnancy after just giving birth??  I still don't know if we are going to have more children (I want to have at least one more and Hubby feels set with two), but my thoughts were consumed with the fact that I may never be pregnant again.  I was also sad that I wouldn't see my OB/GYN anymore.  I missed the nurses and I didn't feel like I had done enough to thank them.  These thoughts weighed heavy on my mind and definitely felt like too much.

I was also angry that I was feeling this way when I just wanted to be enjoying my new motherhood once again.  I felt like these precious moments were being robbed from me.  I certainly didn't feel comfortable talking about my emotions.  Those who knew what was going on were very supportive, but I definitely didn't open up much.  Hubby tried to understand and be supportive.  He also talked to as many people as he could that he thought would have some insight.  Most said it had to run its course.

Within a few weeks it subsided, thank God.

High:  The blues only lasted a few weeks.
Low:  Having to endure emotions that I could not control or even understand when I just wanted to enjoy my new baby.

Mommy Wonder: Sibling Love

Children are truly amazing.  There are so many things that they do on a daily basis that are truly remarkable and if you aren't paying attention you might miss the beauty and wonder that raising children brings.  In fact, I get so caught up in all of the things that I "have" to do that sometimes it is easy to overlook the small wonders before me.  In an attempt to cherish these moments I am going to write mini-posts highlighting the amazement I feel at witnessing my kiddos grow.  This reminds me of my senior quote in the yearbook, "Don't miss the beautiful colors of the rainbow searching for the pot of gold."  I'm not sure where I found this quote or who said it, but it still holds true for me today!

I didn't realize that National Siblings Day occurs this week, but it is pretty cool since I started writing this post before I knew about it!!  I will say that it was not the smoothest transition for T Bear when we introduced little Mad Man to her world, but she is developing into an awesome big sister.  Of course, he gets on her nerves sometimes, especially when he is going after her toys, but overall she is wonderful with him. She helps keep an eye on him if I am cooking or showering.  She also plays with him, on her terms of course.  She gives him hugs and kisses too.  Now I should say that she has her moments of screaming at him and the normal sibling stuff (or so I hope) of pushing and hitting too.  Still, I can tell that she does really like having him around.  What I really love is when she is protective of him when other people are around.  She really looks out for him and even grabs him if she thinks he is getting into something that he shouldn't or if he is getting too close to someone that she deems as dangerous.  Very sweet.

Mad Man is obsessed with T.  She is definitely his favorite person in the world.  He gets so excited whenever he sees her.  I can't wait to hear him say her name (or his version of it!).  He loves to make her laugh and he is so proud of himself whenever she gives him positive feedback.  If he wakes up in the morning before she does he will stand at the gate at the bottom of the stairs and point up yelling for her.  It is so sweet.

The sweetest thing happened in the middle of the night last night.  Mad Man was sleeping with me (of course!), and was very fitful.  He woke up screaming and just could not fall back asleep.  This woke up T Bear so she came to my bed as well.  She tried rubbing his back to help him calm down.  He finally quieted, and I noticed that he had snuggled up to her and they were staring at each other, with their little noses touching.  Those are the moments I live for.

At the moment T has created a "picnic" on the living room floor for them with her play food.  She set up a blanket and quite a spread for them.  He is loving it!

I feel so honored to witness the loving interactions between these two precious babies.  I have an amazing relationship with my sister and couldn't imagine my life without her, so I am extra thankful that I get to see T and Mad Man develop this sibling bond.

Followers!

I would like to take this opportunity to thank my followers!  I am super excited to now have ten followers!  It is heartwarming to have any followers, so I am beyond happy to now have ten!  Thank you for the support.  I love the comments from everyone!  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

To those of you who aren't following me...what are you waiting for??!!

Mommy Guilt: Losing Patience

I know I am human, but lately it seems that my patience is ridiculously thin.  Maybe it is from lack of sleep (Mad Man still doesn't sleep the night...he barely sleeps at all!!), maybe from the fact that I never have a break (no nap time for T and again Mad Man doesn't sleep...and if he does it is usually with me!), maybe this is all normal...who knows and really it doesn't matter what the excuse is my patience is thin.  Super thin.  I have been raising my voice more than I ever imagined I would.  Mad Man is in to everything.  I mean everything (I know this is normal toddler behavior, but I never had this with T because she was just learning to crawl at his age, since she had been in a cast...so cut me some slack!!).  He puts things in the toilet.  He constantly pushes the water cooler levers and creates puddles on he floor.  He tries climbing everything.  He pours milk out everywhere!  He is a handful.  A wonderful little handful, but a handful none the less!  Add to that little miss T and her dramatic antics and it is a recipe for my insanity.  T seems to have a VERY difficult time listening, mostly because her mouth is always going and she is trying to argue with me before she even hears what I have to say.  I'm sure that someday I will admire her independent spirit, but at the moment I need compliance!

My latest breaking point came when we were trying to make it to a new play group.  (Another mommy guilt I have is that my children are "missing out" on socialization because they are not in day care, since the majority of kiddos we know are).  So, the play group start time was 9:30, my kiddos don't wake up until 8:00 or 8:30.  On this particular day Mad Man woke up around 8:00, so I was able to feed him breakfast and take a shower before T woke up.  When she woke up, she was excited about play group, so she ate breakfast fairly easily and cooperated getting dressed.  Then she must have met her limit for cooperation because everything else became a battle.  She didn't want to go potty, but she finally did, but then refused to wipe herself.  So, as I finished wiping her and flushed the toilet Mad Man put two little toys in the toilet.  Ugh.  I admittedly was losing it at this point. T Bear's reaction was way over the top.  She started screaming and carrying on that the toys were gone forever (mind you she had not played with these little key ring toys in like a year!).  I still held it together and finished getting Mad Man ready to go while T Bear was supposed to gather her toys.  Once Mad Man was ready I told T it was time to go.  She carried on that she didn't have all of her toys ready.  Now, she consistently has to bring an entourage of toys wherever we go and they are never the same ones so there is no real predictability!  I told her she had one minute to gather her toys.  She argued with me and questioned me and then carried on about not being able to find exactly what she wanted to bring.  By this point I knew that the play group had already started (which I attempted to explain to T - not that she has any sense of time!).  When she argued again, I had had enough.  I put Mad Man down and went outside on the deck.  I truly needed to cool down.  I stood on the deck for a few minutes just breathing in the crisp cold air.  Who knows what the kiddos were doing inside!  When I came back inside all zen like (well almost!) I took off my jacket, then Mad Man's and sat down on the couch.  T questioned me and apologized and I explained that we were too late for play group and we could try again the following week. She was heart broken and clearly could not link the things that had just occurred with why we couldn't go. After several attempts to explain the situation I couldn't take the genuinely devastated look on her face and said we could try.  Lo and behold she was super helpful and pleasant the whole way there and we made it to play group (even if we were about forty minutes late).

As an FYI when we returned home later I fished out the two little toys from the toilet - DISGUSTING!! Freakishly the kitty's eyes were glowing red in the bottom of the toilet (they are only supposed to do that when the button is being pushed)!!  Creepy.

After this little episode I made a vow to myself to not be one of those mom's who yells.  So far so good, my yelling is way down - not completely diminished, but I don't find myself yelling nearly as often.  I make myself breath and count most of the time.  There are, of course, those moments when yelling is necessary - like when T is about to do harm to Mad Man.  No one is perfect...

My Naughty Ballerina: The Saga

Saturdays suck.  I dread them now.  Why?  Because it is dance day for my T Bear.  You would think this would be a run of the mill fun thing for a four year old, but oh no, my T has been making it into a horrific spectacle of tantrums, fear, and tears.  I don't think I have made it through a Saturday in the past few months without crying (except the week there was no class.  Thank God for spring break!).

Since my last post regarding my naughty ballerina I have ensued three more heart wrenching, patience testing, Saturdays.  Here is the rundown.

T was excited to go to class.  She had a play date with one of the other girls in class and we had Miss S over for dinner (no we are not THOSE parents - we have been friends with Miss S and her husband for years!). T was fine getting ready to go to class, but threw a fit when we arrived.  Miss S took her in and the hysterical screams continued.  She worked herself up so much that she was borderline hyperventilating.  I was listening with Mad Man and some other mommies in the waiting room.  Thankfully one of the other mothers was very supportive and understanding, otherwise I probably would have broken down right then.  Then the door opened and I was anticipating Miss S saying that T had calmed down and everything was okay.  Boy was I wrong.  She said that she had told T that I could come in and watch just this once.  So, I gathered Mad Man and sheepishly walked in.  T needed some comfort and told me she felt like she was going to get sick - she had cried and carried on so much that she was almost to the point of vomiting.  Why am I doing this to my little girl?  I have to wonder.  She sat near me and participated in class.  I had to chase Mad Man in and out of the dressing room.  I was able to witness the joy on T's face during the various exercises.  She really enjoys going across the floor.  I know I am biased, but she seems to have some natural talent as well.  I was also able to witness first hand the positive energy in the studio.  Miss S is wonderful with the little ones.  She has so much patience and understanding with them - I mean dealing with the various shades of preschool behavior is quite an undertaking!  T was so proud of herself for making it through class.  She was almost too excited at the end if class.  It was evident that she felt a huge sense of accomplishment.  Again, naively, I thought we had turned a corner.

Throughout the next week she mentioned again not liking class and not wanting to go.  So, I brought reinforcement in the form of my mother, aka Mima.  There are times that Mima can get T to cooperate when she won't for me.  They also have a very special bond.  T was excited that Mima was going with us.  Mima even told her that she would peak on her under the door.  Once it was time for T to go in things fell apart quickly.  T freaked out screaming, crying, and throwing a big fit.  Mima tried to encourage her and guide her to the door, to no avail.  I tried.  We both tried.  Miss S tried.  I gave up.  I tried again.  I had Miss S shut the door and she told T Bear that if she wanted to come in she could.  I tried just having her sit there and listen to class; she continued on and off having fits.  Mima tried, the fit continued and escalated.  Did I mention there were several other mothers as witnesses?  Oh yeah.  Good times.  I lost my patience and told her we were leaving to which she threw an even bigger fit.  By fit I mean screaming as loud as she can, pulling on her little lip, tears flowing, and her begging to stay.  A grandmother of another little ballerina tried to intervene in such a nice calm way, which helped to calm the fit, but she still refused to go in.  We must have opened the door three or four times when T said she would go in, only to have the fit start again.  Finally (I'm not sure how) she decided to go in and sit by the door.  Aah.  She then joined in class and did a great job.  I was mortified.  Not only by T's behavior, but also by the insane display of parenting that went on.  None of this feels like my finest moments as a parent.

Then we had a week off.  Thank God!!  T was excited all week about not only missing class, but returning to class.  She assured me that she was going to go right in and say "Mommy I'll miss you, but I'm going to have fun".  To my utter dismay that did not happen.  She wanted to wait until all of the girls went in then she would go.  We made it to the door, Miss S greeted her and tried to talk to her and the tears began.  She said she was scared.  Miss S let her put her new Minnie Mouse doll on the shelf so she could "watch".  That still wasn't enough.  The discussion went on for a few minutes.  Then Miss S scooped her up and I shut the door. I could hear her screaming; it was heart wrenching.  Of course, there was a waiting rooms of moms there so I could not break down into hysterics.  I'm sure some of them are wondering what is the point of bringing this child to class week after week.  They do not know the back story.  They do not realize that I am starting to fear preschool in the fall.  They don't know how sad T was last year at the dance show wondering when she would be on stage.  Maybe they are just thankful that their daughters are not doing what T is doing.  Either way it is an uncomfortable feeling, probably for all involved (even as witnesses!).  After the door closed I could hear her screaming and shouting "I just need to tell Mommy something!"  It was heart breaking.  At one point I heard her try to open the door.  Then after a few minutes I couldn't hear anymore screaming, so I peaked under the door to see my poor little T sitting on the floor by the door participating in class - just not as a part of the circle of ballerinas.  She made it through class.  When the door opened she was the first out.  I spoke to Miss S and she said that T had a huge tantrum, which involved screaming, crying, throwing her Minnie Mouse doll TWICE, and finally with a warning of a time out if she didn't start behaving.  Then class was fine the rest of the time.  Ugh.  All I know is that I was saturated with sweat from all of the torture that dance class has become!

There are only five classes left until the recital.  God willing this will get better and she will make it through.  She keeps talking about being on stage and she is extremely excited.  We shall see...

I have to add that Mad Man's reaction to all of this is priceless.  He usually just stares at T when she is screaming.  This last time he was trying to help push her through the door.  Mostly he is quite unaffected...lucky little guy.

High:  Saturday only comes once a week!
Low:  Listening to the screaming and really not being able to comfort T or fix the problem!